The Decline of Western Civilization

YFU and I* were leaving Costco, where I'd gone to buy large amounts of beef, early Wednesday evening.

TED: What's that writing on your hand?
YFU: It's a zap.
TED: A what?
YFU: A zap. Someone writes "zap" and a time on the outside of your hand and a name on the inside of your hand, and if you read the name before the time, then you have to ask the person out.
TED: What?
YFU: Do I have to repeat what I just said?
TED: Please, no. Someone writes a time on your hand?
YFU: Right, on the outside. And "zap." And a name on the inside.
TED: So why don't you just not look at the name?
YFU: You don't. But sometimes you forget or you just get curious.
TED: Have you ever had to ask someone out because of that?
YFU: Yeah, once.
TED: But you're thirteen!
YFU: Dad...
TED: Who did you have to ask out?
YFU: Radan. He's this creepy Indian kid in my Spanish class. I went up to him and said, "I got zapped, so I have to ask you out," and he said, "Whatever," and I said, "Whatever."

TED: You're too young to be dating.
YFU: Dad...
TED: And I don't even know this boy.
YFU: I'm not dating him. He's creepy. Last week he announced in the middle of Spanish that he's bisexual. And we're all like, "Sure, okay, you're bisexual now. Whatever."
TED: Oh, sweetie. You really don't want to start dating bisexual boys. It just leads to a whole world of pain.
YFU: Dad...
TED: No, seriously. Do not.
YFU: I am not dating Radan! I didn't really ask him out. I just got zapped.
TED: Sweetie, we've all been zapped. We've all been smitten by cute guys, but that's just infatuation, and bisexual boys, well...
YFU: Ugh. Whatever. Have you ever heard of LGBT?
TED: Of course I have. Lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgendered.
YFU: Transgendered! I wasn't sure what the T was.
TED: Oh my god. How could you not know that? My own daughter.
YFU: Why would I know that? It's not like you're transgendered. You're just G.
TED: That is entirely beside the point.
YFU: I have to tell Radan. He didn't know.
TED: You mean you have to tell him the next time you and he are on a date?
YFU: You know how EFU always says that you're funny?
TED: Yeah.
YFU: She's wrong.
TED: That was harsh. I hope you don't ever want a car.

*Dramatis Personae
TED. He is I, the writer of Dull Is the New Fabulous. TED is an acronym for The Enlightened Dude, a sarcastic reference to a vision I once had (well, pretended to have). Many people now mistakenly call me Ted, but, you know, I've been called much worse, so no worries.
YFU. Younger filial unit, my younger daughter, who just turned thirteen.
EFU. Elder filial unit, my older daughter, who just turned twenty. She is currently in Vermont, where she attends college.
b&c. The ball and chain, my partner. It's an ironic sobriquet, ok? He is neither cumbersome nor made of iron, though he does have a nice build.